


Whiskey.

by Nyanlovexo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Recovery, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-27 16:17:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10031231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyanlovexo/pseuds/Nyanlovexo
Summary: Hazel thinks her life is just too messed up to ever get better.  Then she meets one direction and maybe her life isn't so bad?





	1. A Chance Meeting.

**Author's Note:**

> Hazels pronouns change eventually as they realize they are agender. So her will become they/them/their -  
> hopefully it's not too confusing.  
> It also switches point of view. 
> 
> Tori is based off my irl best friend Erica. :) 
> 
> I listened to What a girl wants by Christina Aguilera and then Somewhere in Neverland by All Time Low while writing the first chapter.  
> The title is from a song by Jana Kramer who is amazing.

Hazel POV 

I met harry so randomly..  It almost didn’t happen.  I went to the Center on Halsted because i was hot.  It was Pride and me and my best friend Tori were hot.  That’s the only reason i met Harry. Because i was hot !!  Maybe i should explain..

We went in because the center is right next to whole foods and we wanted water. I ended up buying Naked Juice because i can never resist it.  Tori teases me about it, but Its not my fault it’s so good ! We sit down in the Center and start talking about stuff.  Mostly what was going on in my life.  My life was a mess.  Tori was the only one who knew just how fucked up my life was.

“Haze, -” she is the only person alive allowed to call me that- “ you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. You really shouldn’t. You need to talk to someone."  ”i know Tori, i know. i just need time, yeah ?“ she signed,  putting her hair in a ponytail, "fine"   

Out of the corner of my eye i saw a guy who looked exactly like Harry Styles and nudge Tori "that guy looks like Harry.” i said. The guy had the same chestnut brown curly hair, pink lips and i couldnt see his eyes because he was looking at his phone.  Tori looked “he does. It’s probably not him. Why would he be at Pride?" I fiddled with my juice. "Well, i mean, half the fandom thinks him and Louis are dating, so maybe hes here with Louis? Or maybe hes here because he supports the LGBT community. How should i know?" I answered. "Im gonna find out." she stood up and walked over ignoring my protest of “Tori no!” 

“Are you Harry Styles?” the guy looked up, startled, I was busy wishing the ground would swallow me up. He had the same green eyes too. God he was beautiful. I glanced at his arms, which were covered in tatoos. I swear im not a creep. 

"Yes, I’m here with some friends"  I gasped, then covered my mouth. Way to go hazel..geez… I thought. I also wondered if one of those "friends" was Louis Tomlinson. 

Tori, cool as ever went "my best friend Hazel - she gestured towards me “she loves you guys.” Okay ground, now would be a great time to open up….but yet again, the ground wasnt listening to me. I sighed. “Hi,  um, yeah i love One Direction,  um, but i understand if you dont wanna be bothered.  Its cool. Um . Just know i love you”. I stuttered out.  Tori rolled her eyes. “she’s also clueless when talking to guys.” “heeeyyyy” i said.  Harry smiled his beautiful smile showing his dimples. I died.  Yep. Time for me to die, I could see the headline : Harry Styles kills innocent girl by smiling at her ? Okay. So maybe not killing me.. But semantics.

“Nice you meet you. ” God- i mean Harry said, standing and opening his arms for a hug.  
Okay i was wrong, his dimples arent gonna kill me, him touching me is. i hugged him, trying in vain to act cool. " Why are you wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer?" he asked. I tensed, looking to Tori for help. "She gets cold easily." Tori said, glaring at me. I gulped. I hated lying to Harry of all people because anyone who knows me knows how much I love One Direction. But I also wasnt about to tell him or anyone else the real reason I was wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer.


	2. A little bit longer & Ill be fine ?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more about Hazels past is revealed..... & about her family...  
> ** Trigger Warnings**  
> -self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs for this chapter  
> ♡ a little bit longer/Black Keys mash up by the Jonas Brothers. Its amazing. It may or may not still make me cry.....  
> ♡ Battle Cry by Angel Haze.  
>   
> I may make a playlist for this fic. Let me know if yall would want that ! 
> 
> this chapter was very very hard for me to write as it involves alot of my own past. I know its short but its nessesary !  
> please take care of yourself. <3
> 
> also Tori is in italics and Hazel is in Bold. (:

**Hazel POV**

_a week earlier ......._

 

"Your a mistake!" my own mother shouted at me on the phone. I hung up and started crying, our latest fight was the worst one weve ever had. Ever since she left, weve been having so many problems. So many fights, so many broken promises. I tried to calm down, but it wasn't working, I couldn't call Tori she was working.

I went in my bathroom and grabbed my razor blade, breathing so heavily I felt like my heart was gonna explode out of  my chest,  I took the razor in my hand, sat down in front of the tub and started cutting my wrist. Small caculated cuts. It wasn't the first time Id done it, probably wouldn't be the last. I never really cared if this would be the time it went too far. I stared at the blood and felt sick but kept going, cutting more untill the feeling of panic left me and was replaced by the pain of the cuts. _Im so worthless, my mom was right, i am a mistake._ I thought. I eventually stopped crying and laid down on my bed, falling asleep. 

-+++

A few hours later I woke up and checked my phone, it was 530. I sighed. I had several texts from Tori and a missed call.

_hey. Im off work. Wanna hang?_  
_haze ?_  
_are you okay ?_  
_please tell me your alive!!!_  
_just called you. Your scaring me Haze. CALL ME BACK !!!!!!!_

**im okay. I was sleeping. Sorry.**  
_thank god!!! Come over please._  
**ok.**

I got up and changed into a sweater and brushed my hair. I looked like hell. I felt like hell. I felt like i was in hell. I picked up my phone again and told Tori i was leaving my house. I grabbed my wallet and my keys and took off. I got in my car, a shitty car at that and plugged in my phone and "Battle Cry" by Angel Haze came on, I turned up the volume singing along. 

**It's hard to explain my way of living to people who never lived it**

**A minute in my position filled with my opposition**

**That anybody not different fighting to stay the same**

**I got lives in my hands and I'm fighting to make 'em change**

**Couldn't accept responsibility, find somebody to blame**

**The emotions that I'm harboring 'bout to drive me insane**

**Tried to say fuck everything, but I ain't have the heart to**

**Rarely had the heart to do a lot of things I ought to**

**So now I spit it for people who say their cords missing**

**Inspire life into anybody that's forfeiting**  
  


**Cause it's easy to keep pretending that there's nothing wrong**

**But it's harder to keep their head up and be fucking strong**

**So, now they telling me "go, Haze, they can't stop you**

**Heavyweight flow, if they can't lift you then they can't drop you**

**The pinnacle, if they can't reach you then they can't top you**

**Man, they can't do anything that you're about to.**  
  
  


I pulled up in front of Toris apartment and parked. I knew I couldn't look like something was wrong, but I also knew Tori knew me too well and would be able to tell anyway. I got out and walked up to her place, knocking on  her door. She opened it and immediately went " Haze, whats wrong?" "Nothing" she let me in, closing the door. "Bullshit, I know you. what happened?" I sat down on her couch and breathed in and out, trying to calm my nerves. "My mom happened." I said. She hugged me. "Fuck." I explained to her everything that me and my mother fought about, how I felt so hopeless and I didn't know if me and her were ever gonna fix our relationship.  "Did you......" she trailed off, looking nervous. She knew that I self harmed when I got like this, but I couldn't admit it to her, not now. "No." She gave me a hard look and dropped it. "Wanna go get something to eat? " "Sure." "You wanna drive or should I?" "I can if you want." We headed out. 

 


	3. Without losing a piece of me how do I get to heaven...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This flashes forward to where Chapter 1 starts !   
> I will try to just put flashbacks within the chapters but I promise nothing !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure you've heard about all this mess with Louis, All I'm going to say is that I support Louis & to stay strong. Also I doubt he's going to jail.  
> The songs for this chapter are Somphmore Slump or Comeback of the year by Fall Out Boy.  
> Don't Wait by Joey Graceffa..  
> I also listened to Heaven by Troye Sivan.
> 
> I was binging on Gossip Girl while writing part of this so if theres quotes from the show im sorry !

**Hazel POV**

 

Harry gave me a look but didn't say anything. I wondered if he believed Tori. "do you girls wanna chill for a bit? I can introduced you to my friends" he said. I glanced at Tori "it's cool with me." she said, grabbing my arm. " well be right back, gotta go freshen up." we walked to the bathrooms.

Once inside Tori glared at me "you know, it was cooler earlier so I didn't say anything about your hoodie, but it's like 75 degrees and your still wearing it. Why Haze? What did you do?" I sighed, my anxiety rising a bit, I fidgeted with the sleeves of my hoodie. Taking a deep breathe, I told her, " um... I don't want anyone to see my arms..... " I rolled up one of the sleeves. Tori gasped, seeing all the cuts that were now a week old but still slightly visible. She hugged me, "Haze, you really need to talk to someone, like a therapist. You cant keep doing this to yourself." I didn't say anything. I knew she was right, but I felt like asking for help would seem weak & I couldn't tell her that.

 I just walked out of the bathroom, back to where Harry was waiting for us.

Tori followed me, muttering "I dont approve of this, this isnt going to end well, I know it. fuck."

 Harry smiled, "Everything okay?"  Tori glared at me, "why dont you tell him Haze" _she must be really mad at me,_ i thought. _she never would say something like that otherwise._ but i couldn't let harry find out my secret id worked so hard to keep. I took a deep breathe, "Tell me what," Harry asked, eyebrows furrowing, he looked concerned. I sighed again. Tori continued to glare at me. "Tell him Haze." Just then Liam walked over. Liam. fucking. Payne. I couldn't say anything now, I didn't wanna say anything in the first place. Tori rolled her eyes & muttered "fuck" . "Hey mate, thought you got lost, Niall thought you ran off with a drag queen or summat" Liam said, standing next to Harry. "oh haha, hes a right laugh that one, no, I met these two and Ive just been talking to them, I invited them to hang out with us if thats okay with you and Niall and the others." "Yeah its cool with me, Liam Payne," he said, sticking out his hand, I shook it, "Im Hazel." "Tori" . "So lets go find Niallier" Harry whispered something in Liams ear, "Hes with Niall and Zayn" 

I heard Liam say. Tori grabbed my arm, pulling me back a little bit, "Look, Im sorry I tried to force you to tell harry but you have to deal with this. you cant keep dealing with your life like this." She said. I sighed. I knew she was right, somewhere deep down I knew she was right. " I know. I told you I just need time." She glared at me again. "fine. ill drop it for now" 

We went back outside to where the fest was. Pridefest is basically a huge dance party in the street, but theres also stations set up with food and people selling Pride stuff. They have several different stages with people performing singers and drag queens and everywhere in between. It spans several city blocks thats how huge it is. We were at the heart of it, by Belmont and Halsted. There was a stage with a DJ playing house music and me & Tori had been dancing in front of it pretty much all afternoon. Liam shouted "I see Niall!" We all walked over to where Niall was dancing, "Hey Niallier!" Harry greeted his friend. "Haz!" Niall shouted, clearly a little tipsy. NIALL. FREAKING. HORAN. my inner fangirl is dying right now. " Whose your friends?" he asked, noticing me and Tori. "This is Hazel and Tori" Harry answered gesturing to us in turn. "Nice to meet you!" Niall said, hugging me then Tori. He was very friendly, just like everyone says. "Niall, wheres Louis?" Liam asked, looking around. "Um.. he went off with Zayn I wasn't paying attention" Niall said.

Just then Louis fucking Tomlinson (yes that is his full name) walked over and hugged Harry from behind, saying nothing. "Lou." Harry said, turning to face him, hugging him properly. "Haz, whose your friends?" "Tori and Hazel, meet Louis, and heres Zayn." Harry said. Zayn really did look like a god, a perfectly carved god statue person. (shut up its a thing). Harry kissed Louis on the cheek and was holding Louis from behind now. I wondered if something was actually going on between them. I shook Louis hand and Zayn gave me a hug. he smelled so good ! "We should dance !" Niall shouted, grabbing Tori and dragging her to the street, which was filled with so many people. I laughed at her expression, she doesn't like dancing that much, it was truly a sight. 

We all danced well into the night, and I nudged Tori at one point and went "We need to head to the south stage so we can see Jordin" She nodded, turning to Niall "Do you guys wanna go watch Jordin Sparks perform?" she asked, they all nodded in agreement so we headed to the south stage. Once there, we found a good spot so we could see. I was so excited because I loved Jordin Sparks. Tori hugged me from behind " you okay? " she asked in my ear. "Yeah Im excited" she smiled. 

Jordin Sparks was amazing, she even did a tribute to the Pulse Orlando victims which made me cry. As the night wound down, as always, my mood did too. I didn't want to go home and be alone with my thoughts. Harry seemed to notice something was up with me, "You okay?" he asked. "Yeah.. " I lied. He gave me a look and said " Give me your phone." "why" "just do it. " I took my phone out of my pocket and gave it to him. He typed something in it then gave it back to me. I looked , he gave me his number. "You can call or text me if you need me okay. Were here all week so we should all hang out." "Okay. thank you." I said, hugging him. "No problem love"  
It was weird, I spent one day with these boys and I felt like I knew them my whole life, as we laughed and joked all the way to the train station. It was the best night of my life, truly. 

Too bad no one saw the darkness that was coming.


	4. Last night I took a L but tonight I bounce back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the storm starts.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the title has little to do with the chapter and more to do with the fact that I was listening to Big Sean's new album.  
> there may or may not be lyrics from said album peppered in the fic. soz !  
> *shrugs* 
> 
> SO ARE YOU GUYS ALIVE AFTER EVERYTHING THAT HAPPEN ??? This time it was all good stuff. (: so proud of Harry and Louis and Niall and Liam.. and im just ready for whats coming (:
> 
> also just a note to say that I will be updating every 2 weeks instead of every week. I have too much going on right now but I still wanna get this out so yeah! sorry about that! x
> 
> songs for this chapter: Inspire Me by Big Sean, Lift Me Up by Kate Vogele.
> 
> please let me know if the text images show up ! x

**Harry POV**

 

It was two days later and I couldn't get the look in Hazels eyes out of my head, the haunted look, like the light had gone out a long time ago and she wasn't bothering to try and get it back. Louis walked in from the ensuite into my room, wrapped in a towel. "Haz, you alright?" he asked, walking over to sit next to me on my bed. (Well the hotels bed but semantics) " I dont know Lou, did Hazel seem off to you?" " I didnt really get to talk to her shes very shy. but what  do you mean "off" " he asked, getting up and grabbing some clothes.  "Like, the light in her eyes is gone, she almost looks haunted.. I dont know how to explain it. Just a very strong feeling that somethings wrong. Plus her friend Tori said something about telling me something but then Liam interrupted."

 Louis finished getting dressed and walked over to me. "Call her, ask her to hang out with us today, we can talk to her and see if we pick up on anything." Louis suggested. "Rehearsals dont start till tomorrow."  "Okay." I said, picking up my phone and typing a text to Hazel. 

 

 

 

**HAZEL POV**

I waited anxiously for Tori to come. I made sure I covered my new scars with make up and wrote love is louder on my wrist.  I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and hugged Tori. "Thank you." "Did you do something stupid? " she asked, hugging me back. She pulled back to look at me. I sighed. "No."  "Am I driving or you? " She asked. I grabbed my keys, wallet and phone. "Ill drive. Harry gave me directions to there hotel." I said, locking my door. We walked to my car and got  in. I handed Tori my phone, "Text harry and let him know were on our way" I said. "K" she said, typing in my passcode. 

I put on Big Seans new album I decided, putting on Inspire Me. 

 

_*authors note: I am actually in love with this album and bebes album soooo download them!*_

 

**HARRY POV**

"There on there way." I told Louis. "Wheres the other boys, are they awake?" Louis laughed, "Niall and Liam probably are. Zayn hasn't woken up before noon since he was born." Harry shook his head "I'll just go to liams room"

I walked out of our room and went next door to the room liam and zayn were sharing.  I knocked. Liam opened the door almost immediately. " Hey Harold, whats going on?" He was shirtless. "Do you not believe in clothes Liam?" I said, poking his chest. " I was just getting dressed," he said, rolling his eyes at me. "Zayns not awake, at least not completely"  

"Who is it ? harry? if its Louis im gonna kill him, he woke me up the other day too" Zayn said, still laying in bed, looking so sleepy. I sighed. "Its me, Harry" "Oh, the better half." Zayn said, smiling. "Oi, I heard that Zaynie" Louis said from where he was standing behind me now. "Oh god." Zayn groaned, putting his head back on his pillow. 

 

My phone dinged. 

 "The girls are here. Are you coming Zayn? and wheres Niall?" I said. "mmmhph" was zayns response. I took that for a no. "Let him sleep, Nialls coming now" Liam said, coming out of the bathroom. "mmmphh" zayn said. "Oi, no one can understand you zayn" Louis said, hitting him with a pillow. Zayn reached up and smacked Louis in the head. "Your a menace. Harrrryyy get him." Zayn whined. I walked over, grabbing Louis from behind and kissing him on the cheek. "Oh sure, play the boyfriend card, and you say im the menace." Louis said, turning to me. He smiled. "You know Haz is my weakness." "Yeah! time to go! " Zayn said,  shooing us  away. Niall came bursting into the room "Look who I found outside in bushes" He said happily, Tori and Hazel behind him.  "Hey guys!" I greeted them, releasing Louis, and walking over to hug them. "Hello!" Louis said smiling. "Can you all leave! someone trying to sleep here!" Zayn pipped up. Liam kissed his forehead. "Were going now babe" "Text me and ill meet you guys later" Zayn said. 

 

We all left. "So whats for lunch?" Niall asked. "Im starving." "Your always hungry" Liam muttered. "Oi, shut up!" Niall smacked him on the arm. Hazel laughed at the two of them. "Oi, you think its funny? " Niall said, tackling her. "OMG!" She yelped. "Dont mess with me. Ima hungry Irishman" I shook my head at him, some things never change and Nialls constant energy and playfulness is one of those things. "Niall, leave the girl alone" Louis said, pulling Niall off her. " You wanna piece of me Tommo?" I started singing Piece of me by Britney Spears. "Oi, Harold, shut up" Niall said. "Dont tell my boy to shut up." Louis chased Niall down the hallway to the elevator. Hazel and Tori were laughing very hard. "I have tears in my eyes. why are they like this?" she asked, gasping for air. Liam ran after them, always the dad of the group shouting "Dont kill each other, thats all I ask!" 

We made it downstairs with relatively little difficulty save for niall, Louis and liam all messing around. It was good to see Hazel laugh for once, I noticed she didn't do too much of that. I really wondered what was going on with her. I worried, now that she was my friend. 

We all decided on pizza for lunch because when in Chicago. Upon arriving at the pizza place, we sat down, liam and niall sitting next to tori and me, Louis and hazel sitting on the other side. I noticed Hazel didnt take off her hoodie, apparently Niall did too because he went "Hazel, arent you hot? " he gestured to her hoodie. She visibly tensed, "oh, um.. no, im fine." she said softly. Tori shot her a look that I didn't miss. Something was obviously up.  Louis noticed the tension and went " So what kind of pizza do we want" he asked, picking up the menu. Hazel smiled at him, seemingly thanking him. It worried me. 

We ordered pepperoni,  veggie pizza and a everything pizza. Everyone was silent once the food came, focused on eating. My thoughts wandered, I wondered what was going on with Hazel. It seemed to worry Tori too if the little looks she was giving Hazel were any indication. I made a mental note to try and talk to Hazel alone.  Tori spoke up " Haze, I gotta go to work after this, are you going home or you staying with the boys?" She asked. "Um... " Hazel said, looking very anxious all of a sudden. " You should hang out with us, play some FIFA or summat or since its nice out, we can explore the city" Louis piped up. "Okay" Hazel smiled shyly. I smiled at her as well, "Great."  she muttered something about dimples killing her.  

We payed the bill and left to explore the city. Hazel playing tour guide since she lived there. Since we were already downtown, she took us to Millennium Park which in her words was "one of the best things about Chicago" and she loved the bean. We walked around. I held Louis hand for a while before I got the urge to take pictures, I took out my phone and started taking pictures of the bean and the buildings around the park. 

My phone dinged. It was Tori, asking me once again to keep an eye on Hazel. I didn't even realize she left, so focus was I on taking photos. 

 

We finally left the park and as it was getting dark, I asked Hazel about the nightlife in Chicago. "Theres tons of bars and stuff. I mean, just look it up and pick one" She smiled.  I googled bars and sure enough a ton popped up. "Would you go with us or do you wanna head home now? " "Um.. I can come for a bit but Id like to get my car"  "Okay." We all walked back to the hotel and since me and the boys had one car and Zayn had joined us now, we split up- me and Louis going in Hazels car and Liam Niall and Zayn in the other car. 

 

Late that night, I saw Hazel sneak off to the bathrooms and she didn't come back for 30 minutes. I furrowed my brows , getting worried about her. I wished I was a girl so I could go into the bathroom and check on her. I tapped Pierre, Hey, im kinda worried about Hazel, shes been in the bathroom for a while..." "Ill go but its probably just girl stuff" She walked off. 

a few minutes later I heard her scream and me and Louis ran to the bathroom, I felt  sick, we found Hazel, passed out, with cuts all up and down her arms. Pierre was on the phone calling an ambulance. I was frozen, in shock. Louis grabbed my phone and called Tori and told her everything. 

We rushed out of the bathroom once the ambulance techs arrived, they put her on a stretcher and wheeled her out of the bathroom, out the back door of the bar to the waiting ambulance. We rushed out after them and I took Hazels keys out of her pocket and gave them to Niall, "you drive her car, liam can drive ours with zayn and im going in the ambulance with Louis." We lied and said we were family so they'd let us. 

I prayed Hazel would be okay... 

 


	5. Skyscraper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is all in Hazels point of view because it explains some of why shes doing what shes doing. 
> 
> *** trigger warnings for mentions of self harm. ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs for this chapter  
> Skyscraper - Demi Lovato  
> Light- Big Sean  
> Inspire Me-Big Sean 
> 
> ALSO ARE YOU GUYS ALIVE BECAUSE HARRY'S SONG IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND IVE BEEN LISTENING TO IT ON REPEAT. <3
> 
> heres the link https://open.spotify.com/track/5ELRkzdzz0HvGpMDlfZHkV

 

I blinked my eyes, slowly coming to, I was lying on back, which was weird cause I never sleep on my back, the florescent lights were kinda blinding me but I forced myself to look around, I glanced at my arm and saw I was hooked up to an iv.   _Why am I alive._ I wondered.  I knew what happened last night, I knew what my intent was when I went into the bathroom at the club.No one knows but I keep a small razor with me in my wallet  & last night I started to feel like the walls of the club were closing in on me, I felt trapped. Memories started flashing through my mind and for the first time in my life I couldn't turn them off. I couldn't just take deep breathes and focus on that like my therapist told me to do. So I went into the bathroom and I took pain killers, and started cutting. My arms, my stomach, just anywhere. I wasn't trying to kill myself, but at the same time I knew I didn't care if it went to far. I just couldn't stop.  I knew I passed out from seeing the blood at some point so everything after that was all fuzzy. I vaguely remembered hearing Pierre scream and then hearing sirens.

"Your awake."  I jumped at the sound of Toris voice. She closed the door behind her, walking over and hugging me, crying. "Haze, why...why would you do that?" I couldn't remember the last time Id see Tori cry and I felt horrible being the cause of it now.  I took a deep breath and said "I just... couldn't deal anymore" She laid down next to me on the bed and just kinda held me. "Haze, you scared the shit out of everyone last night. The boys are in the waiting room worried about you.  Pierre found you in the bathroom at the club passed out and she called 911. You have to get help for this Haze, I dont wanna wake up one day and get a phone call that your dead..." she started crying again, her voice breaking. I felt horrible. I hugged her back. "I wasn't trying to kill myself, I was just trying to numb all the pain. I hate that Im like this. I hate this. I  hate  myself." I whispered. She looked at me, "Please dont ever say that again. this is why you have to get help. you have to fight through this." I sighed. I knew she was right, I knew I had to go to treatment and deal with everything I was going through. "When did everything fall apart.." i said softly. "I can guess, but your the only person with the answer to that" Tori said.

 There was a knock on the door, a doctor came in, she was small, with brown hair and brown eyes, she smiled kindly at me. "Good to see you awake." She said, pulling a chair up next to  the bed and sitting down. I fake smiled. her name was Linda. "You gave  all your friends quite a scare last night Hazel, we need to talk about treatment options for you." I knew this was coming, I knew I had to face all my problems. Cutting wasn't a solution, if anything it only made my problems worse. "Okay. " I agreed. She started talking about an out patient program they had for people with addictions, and she also gave me an option of in patient treatment. Id done that before and it didn't help me, it was like the hospital couldn't get rid me fast enough, I remembered. I told the doctor as much. "Okay, so we can do the out patient. but your going to be here for a few days while your cuts heal and we make sure theres no permanent damage done from you taking the pain killers. " "Do you want me to let your friends come in?" Linda asked, standing up to leave. "Yeah.." I said slowly. She turned and left closing the door behind her. 

I looked at Tori, "Do you think the boys are mad at me?" I asked softly. "No haze, there not, why would they be?" Tori placed her hand on my arm, she had sat up when Linda came in and was now just sitting next to me on the bed. "I dont know.. cause i ruined there night..." she glared at me "You did no such thing Haze! they arent mad at you, if anything there just worried about you."  

There was a knock on the door and then a very tired looking Harry, Niall , Zayn and Louis came in, I again felt horrible because they were still in last nights clothes and they looked like they hadn't gotten any sleep. Tori rubbed my arm sensing I was getting anxious. Louis spoke first "Im glad your awake love.." He walked over and hugged me tight. I started crying again, and "I understand if you guys are mad at me.." I said through my tears. Louis look at me, surprised, "Why would we be mad at you?" "because I ruined your night" Harry walked over  " You didn't ruin anything, promise. Were all just worried about you. Gave us all a scare Hazel." he said, hugging me. Niall nodded in agreement. "Yeah, what Haz said." he hugged me too. "Liam sends his love, he had to go deal with our management team" Zayn said, hugging me too. 

"You dont have to tell us anything if you dont want or if you dont feel comfortable, just know that we are here for you"  Harry said, pulling up a chair and sitting down. Louis sat on the other side of my bed. 

I looked at Tori, "I feel like I should tell them something tor. " I said. She nodded. "Im right here love." She moved closer to me and put her arm around me. I took a deep breath and started. "Ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for quite a few years now, but I started self harming when my mom left, she and I had always been close and then all of a sudden, she decided to leave. She moved in with her boyfriend. I wouldn't have been upset had she not just gone about it in a better way. my grandma has been in the hospital for the past few weeks, and shes getting worse, and my mom hasn't even so much as called her. So weve been fighting, about her breaking promises to me, and the other day, we got into a really bad one." I took another deep breath, this was so hard for me. "Its okay, were here" Tori whispered. "We were arguing because she was supposed to come and see me and she didn't even call to let me know she wasn't coming, she just stood me up. So I was really upset, and I went home and started cutting." I looked up at the boys shocked and concerned faces. " That was 6 months ago." I continued. "Ive been doing it almost everyday for 6 months. Last night though, was the first time that I didn't care if it went too far. I wasn't trying to kill myself but I didn't care if I did either. Me and my mom got into another argument this time about my grandma, and she called me a mistake." I started crying, putting my head on Toris shoulder, grateful that my best friend was there. She held me. "That is really fucking shitty" Louis said, his eyes flashing with anger. "I cant imagine me mum saying that to me" I finally after about five minutes started breathing normally and lifted my head up. "You okay love?" Harry asked softly, a look of concern on his face. I hated this. I hated being the cause of anyone worrying about me. "I dont know. last night i think was rock bottom. I just couldn't take the pain ive been in for all these last four years. After our fight, I cut, and I covered them with make up and I just pretended I was okay even though I wasn't, at all. I always keep a small razor in my purse or wallet and last night i also had pain killers with me. I started feeling like the club walls were closing in on me and I couldn't breath, I knew I was having a panic attack so I went in the bathroom to bring myself back, but this time, it was so bad I couldn't just breath and make it go away, so I cut. I just kept going, I took a bunch of pain killers to numb the pain, but honestly, it stopped hurting a while ago to cut. Almost like I became numb to it. I kinda heard Pierre scream and then I just blacked out." I said, still not looking the boys in the eyes as I spoke.

I just felt so horrible. I didnt even really believe I could stop self harming. I felt addicted to it almost. 

"Pez found you and she freaked out, and Harry and Louis called 911. We were so scared Hazel, we were scared you were gone. You looked so lifeless, all the blood.... " Zayn trailed off, his voice breaking. Niall put a comforting arm around him. "We were all right upset. Hazel, you cant keep doing this you know that right? its not a healthy way to deal with your problems." Niall said. "We care about you, obviously, or we wouldn't be here, and I dont want this to happen again but with a far worse outcome" Harry added. I sighed. I knew they were right, I knew it wasn't a good way to deal with my issues. "I told you that too Haze, I love and care about you, your like a sister to me and your my best friend. I will be there to support you through this, but you have to want to fight it." Tori said. 

I just didnt know if I had any fight in me. But it couldn't hurt to try. I sighed. "I know this is going to be one of the hardest things ive ever done, but I also know I need to do it. So Im going to fight, because Im a fighter and fighters win." I said, half smiling at all of them. 

"You will win Haze, I know it." Tori said. 

But, as with everything, it only gets darker before it gets lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I normally update every two weeks on Tuesday but Im in a wired mood (depression does that) and I dont know how long thats gonna last so I am updating today instead. hope you understand. 
> 
> all the love   
> x


	6. Thank God for books and music and things I can think about.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hazel faces her demons; gets closer to Louis. They become bffs. Shhhh. Meets a boy ? 
> 
> (this is kinda based on what I went through)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "don’t know what’s worse: to not know what you are and be happy, or to become what you’ve always wanted to be, and feel alone." 
> 
> Points if you know where that quote is from. It's from my favorite book ever. ♡
> 
> Songs for this chapter :  
> -bleeding love by Leona Lewis  
> -Whiskey by Jana Kramer.

Hazel POV 

Treatment. That was the magical answer to all of this, treatment. Like I was gonna be cured or something. Needless to say I didn't want to go, even if I had promised Tori I would give it at least some effort. For so long I thought of treatment as something that made you weak, cause you were asking for help, but no, apparently it makes you a strong person if you ask for help. I still didn't want to go. 

But I did. For Tori. and my family of course. 

I ended up having to check in because the outpatient treatment didn't accept my insurance or some bullshit. So I was in a treatment center. 

It felt like hell, it was the first time I walked around without make up covering up my scars, I felt so exposed and raw and just naked. 

For the first week I didnt talk to anyone, barley participated in group sessions, barley ate, I just didn't care. Then they told me I wouldn't get out unless I did all those things so I quickly changed my mind. Funny that. 

The boys visited as much as they could and when they had rehearsal they called me before and after to check on me. Louis became my best friend through all of it. 

I hated being there, self harming had become an addiction and I was fighting it so hard but at the same time it felt like I was losing. 

Then I met a boy. his name was Trevor. He had brown hair, blue eyes and tattoos. He was a few inches taller than me.

I wanted nothing to do with him. He tried so hard to talk to me though. Wrote me letters, always tried to talk to me and always seemed to listen the closest when I was talking during group sessions.  
I shared a story about my grandpa, when he was younger he lived in a small town and got into plenty of trouble, I told them he used to go cow tipping- it's pretty much how it sounds. 

Trevor laughed. "that's a great story" he smiled at me. 

I looked away. "Give him a chance," Sharon said. "he seems like a nice guy, why not? " I rolled my eyes, flipping my brown hair that still had blond streaks in it over my shoulder " No. " I said. "Come on Hazel. " she said, annoyed. "he clearly likes you. "  
In hindsight, I should have stayed away, I should have listened to my brain when it told me not go near him. I knew he was bad news, somehow I just knew. But ya know never mind that I guess. 

I eventually gave in and started liking him. We dated. It might seem odd to meet someone in a treatment center but I guess love works in weird ways. He got out before me and called me everyday till I got out. 

I finally started feeling better, not because of him but because I finally faced my demons, I wanted to stop self harming, I knew it wasn't helping me. 

I got out in July. My aunt and uncle picked me up and we went out to dinner and I talked to them about alot of my issues and they dropped me off at my grandmas place. 

Few hours later I started to feel like the walls were closing in on me and started panicking and I didn't wanna be alone. I called Trevor crying "I never thought about the fact that I have to be here alone because my grandmas still in the hospital. I have never felt more alone in my life. I keep having panic attacks. " I told him. "Do you want me to come over? " I was surprised, no boy had ever done that for me, and he lived almost 2 hours away from Chicago... "yes. " I finally said. 

He came. I went to go pick him up at the train, I ran into his arms and hugged him so tight. I'm pretty sure he could feel my heart beating through my shirt. He kissed my check and we went back to my grandmas. 

We talked the whole bus ride back. Chicago has a pretty good public transportation system. For the most part. (don't get me started).  
When we got back I put a pizza in the oven and we watched Fast and Furious. Then he kissed me, slow at first, then with tongue. We did this for a bit. 

"Can we go in your room?" he asked, still holding me, I nodded. 

But first I took the damn pizza out of the oven. (somewhere Tori was laughing at me.) 

We went into my room and resumed out kissing on my bed, it was a big bed, made for two people really, and I was very turned on. 

I was also scared because this was going to be my first time and I was so nervous and he was so good to me. He was very gentle with me, kissing me and making sure I was okay. 

After we got up and showered and ate. Also finished the movie. 

I slept so good that night. I knew I was I trouble but I ignored the voice in my head.


	7. But I'm not done yet, falling for your fools gold....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hearbreak. :( plus Louis and Harry are back. So there's that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long between updates , things just have been a little tough latley.  
> "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Dr. Martin Luther King.
> 
> Songs for this chapter are  
> -Fools Gold by One Direction  
> \- Last Kiss by Taylor Swift. (Fun fact that's the only song I like by her.) 
> 
> Also "scuz bucket" is something my best friend called my ex boyfriend when he broke up with me. It makes me laugh bc of the way she says it.
> 
> My twitter - @ATLSPGIRLXO ♡ 
> 
> Enjoy ! x 
> 
> Also I think this might end up being 13 chapters. Pray .

_One month later._....

 

I'd been single a long time, relationships for me were alot of heartbreak. I was engaged at one point which I now realize I was far too young and it was stupid because the guy cheated on me several times. So I was happy me and Trevor had been together a month.

I went in the living room where my grandma was resting and turned on the TV , I knew it wouldn't wake her, she was a heavy sleeper. I started watching One Tree Hill. Lucas was telling Brooke he cheated on her. I sighed, no one could have ever competed with Peyton apparently.

My phone dinged, I picked it up, unlocking it without looking bc I was totally into the show, I waited till a commercial came on to look at it

**Harry : Hi! Are you busy later I wanted to Skype with you.**

I glanced at the TV again, it was still a commerical, then texted him back

_Me: sure . just let me know what time._

Harry responded instantly

**H: is 7 good for you ?**

_Me: yep_.

I locked my phone and continued watching my show, checking on my grandma every so often.

I looked at the time, it was 645. 15 minutes.

I blew out a puff of air and turned off the TV and went in my room.

I grabbed my laptop and turned it on.

While I was waiting I put on Joe Jonas album FastLife. Joe was singing about the rain being gone, I signed into skype. It was 650. I really wasn't in the mood bc I I hadn't heard from Trevor all day. 

I waited .

Finally the familiar tone for Skype played I clicked accept and Harrys face appeared on my screen. 

  
He smiled "Hey Hazel! How are you? 

I smiled back and replied "I'm alright.  How's rehearsals going?" 

"Good. Good. I'm excited for tour." He said. 

"awesome . I'm gonna try and get tickets for your Chicago show, don't know how lucky I'll be" I said, chuckling.

He laughed.

"Funny you should say that cause Louis already had them put aside tickets for you and Tori, and backstage passes."

"Oi! Ruin my surprise why don't you harold." I heard Louis say  .

I laughed.

"You really didn't have to do that louis, I'm not that special." I said.

Louis appeared on screen next to Harry,  "I know love I wanted to. You deserve it." 

I smiled. "well, thank you very much louis."

"anytime love". 

I smiled again.  

"So how's your grandma doing ?" Harry asked.

"She's okay. Resting alot, but she's a fighter so she'll be okay. " I replied. "That's good to hear, I'm glad she's on the mend." Harry said.

My phone started ringing Trevors  special ringtone. I grinned "Trevors calling me, give me one second you two." I told Harry and Louis. Without waiting for an answer I picked up "hi!" "Hey hazel". I smiled, probably turning a little red. "What's up?" "I'm skyping with my friends" "that's cool." "I'm miss you."

I heard him move around a bit.

"We need to talk."

I froze. "Ok." I said, terrified.

"I realized I'm not ready for a relationship, I think we should just be friends."

_Wait, what, no, but we'd only been dating a month. Why was he doing this._

I felt tears come to my eyes but I swallowed hard, trying to keep them down.

"Why." I whispered, forgetting that Harry and Louis could see me.

"I'm just not ready for a relationship.  I still want to be friends though. I still care about you. "

I took a deep breath, I knew I should tell him to go to hell and just leave me alone, but I couldnt, I'd lost my virginity to him, I didn't understand anything, instead I said "fine. I have to go, my friends are waiting for me." I said, wiping  tears from my eyes. "Ok. I'll call you tomorrow okay?" I closed my eyes and breathed. "Fine."

I hung up and started crying.

"Oh shit, love,  I'm calling you now okay".

I faintly heard Harry  tell me he was hanging up,   but I was crying so hard it didn't matter.

My phone rang again and I picked up, still crying. "Hello." "Love, don't cry, what happened?" I sniffed, trying to breathe so I could talk, "he broke up with me." I finally let out.

"I'm sorry love, I'm so sorry. Why?"

"He's not ready for a relationship." I said.

"Bloody hell, then why the hell did he try so hard to get you! Why mess with you like that. You don't deserve that love. I hope you know that." Louis said angrily. I just sobbed, I kept trying to take deep breathes. I finally calmed down a bit and said " I know. He said he just wants to be friends now. How am I supposed to do that. How am I supposed to be his friend when I stupidly slept with him!!"

"Oh love.... I'm so so sorry. I wish I could give you the biggest hug."

"Thanks Loubear." He laughed, "bloody harry telling you me embarrassing nicknames." I heard a smack followed by an "Oi lou, it's a cute nickname." I half smiled. "You two act like an old married couple. It's cute." I said fondly. "Shut up you. It's not cute. Harold is not cute. He's a bloody idiot." Louis said, sounding more fond than annoyed. "Are you gonna be okay?" He asked. I sighed. "Yeah. I'm gonna call Tori and have her come over. " I said. "Okay love, text me or harry if you need us okay, or you can call either of us or niall, he'll make you laugh." "Okay LouLou." "Bye love." "Bye".  
  
I hung up and texted Tori asking if I could call her.

Immediately my phone started ringing showing a pic of Tori.

I smiled a little and picked up

"hey tor"

"haze, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

I took a deep breath.  "Trevor broke up with me."

Then I held the phone away from my ear as she started yelling

"WHAT!?!??!?! HE DID WHAT!!!!! THAT FUCKER!!!!! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS. HE'S A SCUZ BUCKET THAT'S WHAT HE IS!!!!"

I giggled a little "Scuz bucket?" I asked. "Shut up,  it's a real thing. Anyway are you okay?" "Not really,  could you come over please". "Yeah, of course. I'll be there in about a half hour" "Okay love" great now I was doing it too, dammit Louis. "Okay see you soon". I hung up and flopped down on my bed, putting my lap top on the floor. I grabbed the t shirt Trevor had left for me, it smelled like his colonge. I put on the only Taylor Swift song I actually liked ; last kiss (her music just isn't for me.) and sobbed.   
  
A half hour later Tori was there. She gave me a hug and we went in my room to talk.

"Did he say why?" She asked, sitting down on my bed, I laid down  on my back. "He isn't ready for a relationship" I said, snorting. 

"That's bullshit. Then why did he try so damn hard to get you to talk to him, was it just so he could sleep with you? I don't get it." Tori said angrily .

"I don't know.....  he's stupid..... says he just wants to be friends.... "

I felt tears forming again, I didn't even know I had any left.

"He doesn't deserve you. You are so much better than him, he's a scuz bucket."

I smiled at that. "I don't know why that makes me laugh when you say that."

Tori rolled her eyes, "I don't either, you're strange. Want me to sleepover ?" I nodded. I knew my grandma wouldn't mind, she liked Tori.   
  
We had pizza for dinner and some chocolate chip cookies for desert and binged watched One Tree Hill on dvd. 

Around 1130 we called it a night and changed into pj's and laid down . 

Tori fell asleep almost right away. 

I couldn't sleep. I felt used and so hurt.  I didnt understand anything. .I felt nothing and everything at once.  I sighed finally drifting into sleep around 2 am. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try and update when I can. 
> 
> My life is a mess right now... 
> 
> x


	8. Just can't stay away....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hazel makes stupid choices. Thank god for good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update ! My life is a mess, Im trying to sort it. 
> 
> \- if you want to donate to the victims of the horrible tragedy in Las Vegas here is a link: https://www.gofundme.com/dr2ks2-las-vegas-victims-fund  
> my heart is with the familys/friends/ loved ones. x 
> 
>  
> 
> Song for this chapter:  
> -Foolish by Ashanti.

"Haze, get up."  

 

 

“Haze, you can't stay in bed all day."

 

Wanna bet?

 

"Hazel!!!”

I wasn't sleeping, I heard Tori, I just had no interest I'm getting out of my big comfy bed and she couldn't make me. My bed was the best. It didn't talk. It just let me lay on it. For hours. Not moving. Sigh.

 

"I know your awake Haze," she sounded annoyed now. Then she bounced on the bed next to me, hitting me on the arm. "OW! Why would you do that?!" I turned to face her, glaring at her. "I am perfectly happy being one with my bed thank you very much so if you could just kindly leave that would be great." I said, annoyed.

 

"Yay your alive!" She cheered. I continued glaring at her, I was not amused.

“Oh don't give me that look, you've been sad and angry and mopey all week, he's not worth this." She said. "He... is... a scuz bucket. Say it with me, scuz bucket."

 

Normally I laugh whenever she says that but today I just couldn't. Trevor hadn't contacted me since he texted me asking me if I was okay two days ago and I ignored it even though I missed him. Alot.

Tori sighed, seemingly getting that I wasn't in the mood to laugh. "Haze I just don't want you to let this ruin your life. He doesn't deserve you. Your so much better than him, think about it, who does that? Who tries so hard to get a girl then has sex with her then fucks off after a month? Immature assholes like him that's who." She ranted.

 

“Are you quite finished?" I asked, "because I wanna go to sleep." It was 3pm but whatever.  

Tori gave me a look "You are not going to sleep at 3pm on a Thursday. I'm calling back up” She said, pulling out her phone, scrolling through her contacts.  I sighed. "Who are you calling? Can you at least do it somewhere else so I can sleep?" That earned me another smack. I scowled at her.  "No." "Hi Louis, it's Tori, yeah are you guys busy right now?" I rolled my eyes, of course she called Louis. Besides Tori, Louis was becoming a very good friend to me. My other best friend Katie was on vacation with her family and hadn't been able to talk. Otherwise I'm pretty sure Tori would have called her too. Tori was rude.

One Direction was in Chicago for rehearsals for their show on Saturday; the tour started in San Diego.  Me and Tori were supposed to go, but at the moment I wanted to kill my best friend.

 

I got up and went into my ensuite. I looked at myself in the mirror and honestly gasped, my brown eyes were swollen, and red and puffy from all the crying I'd been doing, I looked pale as hell - which is no easy feat for a Latina let me tell you. I signed, splashing cold water on my face and brushing my teeth.  I brushed my hair and put it in a bun. I felt a bit better. Not. Walking out of the en suite, I went to go lay back down on my bed but Tori put her hand on my arm to stop me.

“Louis and Harry and Niall are coming over. They want to go out for food and stuff. Get dressed." She said firmly. "I will not have you let this scuz bucket make you miserable."

I rolled my eyes but walked over to my dresser and pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and a black shirt that said "leave me alone" in pink. Tori eyed me "really haze?" She gestured towards my shirt. I frowned "what's wrong with it? It's how I feel. Shut up." I said, pushing past her out of my room into the kitchen, almost tripping over a box in the hallway. I was in the process of moving out of my grandma's apartment. 

 

I was going to miss it, it was so nice but it was time for me to be on my own, I saw that my uncle had dropped of boxes, presumably when he and my aunt picked her up this morning.  the boxes were all stacked in the hallway outside my room.

 

“You'd think my grandma would have told me that these damn boxes were here instead of letting me almost kill myself tripping over them." I said, rubbing my leg where I hit the box.  Tori just laughed. Some friend.  I smacked her. "It's not funny Tor. " I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and sat down at the small kitchen table. Tori sat across from me. "So when are the boys getting here?" "In a few, they said they'd call you when they are downstairs." Tori said. I sighed. I didn’t want to interact with humans. I was miserable. I missed Trevor. I hated this.

 

_now I'm speechless over the edge I'm just breathless_

I heard Trevor’s special ringtone and dashed into my room, Tori hot on my heels "Don't answer it haze!"

 

I answered it anyway. "hello?" "Hi Haze. How are you?". Just hearing his voice again made me all emotional.  I felt a million things at once. "I'm okay. How are you?" I'm also a liar. I sat on the edge of my bed, Tori following suite.

"I'm okay. I got a job. " "really?? That's great Trevor!" I exclaimed, trying to act normal. I knew he had been having trouble finding work and I was genuinely happy he got a job I just missed him. "Yeah. So I want you to come out here and visit me. This weekend okay for you?" He asked, sounding a little nervous.

 I was having an inner melt down and it took a moment for my brain to catch up. 

" um. I can't this weekend, I'm going to a concert with my best friend." I said, glancing at Tori, who didn't look happy. "Ok. How about next weekend?" I knew I shouldn't.  I knew it was a horrible idea. But, as previously stated, I’m the queen of bad decisions.  "Yes that would be okay. " I answered.  I could hear the smile in his voice "great. I'll text you directions and my address. I have my own place." Fuck. I thought.  This is a bad bad idea.  Tori looked like she wanted to murder me.  "Okay." I said. "Okay, I gotta go I'm at work, I'll text you okay? " "ok." I hung up, bracing myself for storm Tori.  "What did he say?" She asked, glaring at me already.  I knew she wasn't going to react well.

 

I took a deep breath, “heinvitedmeouttohisplacetospendtheweekendwithhim" it all came out in a rush.  "What?" I fidgeted. "Um. He invited me out to his place next weekend. "And you said yes?!"  "Um. Yea." "Hazel why. Why are you doing this to yourself?"  "I love him. Ok. I love him." I whispered.   "Oh haze... " Tori hugged me tight. "I'm sorry," she pulled back, "I really don't think you should go but you’re a grown woman and you can do what you want I suppose."

 

I looked at her, tears in my eyes, " I just... I love him and I just want him in my life anyway I can have him." She hugged me again. 

 

My phone started ringing again, this time playing Anyway you want it by Journey. I looked and saw it was Louis, taking a deep breath to calm myself, I answered “Hello?"

"Hey Hazel, me, Niall and harry are downstairs."

"Okay well be right down." I said. "You okay? You sound upset" He asked.  Psychic this boy was. "I'll explain it when I get downstairs." I replied. " okay." I hung up and grabbed my wallet and keys and headed out.

 

                                                                                   ♡

 

When I saw Harry, Louis and Niall waiting in the lobby of my grandma's building I started crying. I just couldn't help it. I knew Tori wasn't happy with me but I loved Trevor, he was my first real boyfriend and my first well.... everything else.  I didn't like fighting with Tori, I was so broken.  Louis immediately came over and hugged me, "what's wrong love?" He asked. I just kept crying.

 

"Trevor called her." Tori said. All three of them frowned.   "what did he say?" Harry asked.  I took a deep breath and tried to stop crying. "He...un... he.... " I kept trying to breathe. Tori put her arm around my waist and said "I know you think I'm mad at you but I'm not Haze, I'm mad at him." That calmed me a bit.  We walked outside and stood out of the way of doors.  I took another breathe and said "Trevor asked me to go spend next weekend with him at his new apartment. He wants to be friends and I want that too, except not, because I love him and I'm an idiot who falls too hard too fast and I'm just so broken and I don't know what to do but I told him I'd go because I love him."

 

 “He's an idiot. Not you haze " Tori said, her arm around my waist once again. I leaned into her. "your hair smells like strawberries." I said. They all laughed.  "Okay random. " Tori said, smiling.

 

"Are you sure this is a good idea for you to be alone with him?" Louis asked, putting his hand on my arm gently. "He sounds like a wanker I'd kick his arse if I ever saw him." "That really isn't necessary. But yes, he is a wanker." I replied. "You deserve better Hazel. You just don't seem to realize it " Niall chimed in.

 

I knew that. I knew Trevor was trouble the minute he started trying to get with me. I knew he was no good and no good would come from me going to see him but I still wanted to. I smiled tightly, "let's just go get some food okay?"

 

"Alright."

 

We stared walking down the street choosing to go somewhere close by in the hopes that no one would recognize the boys.

 

"What kinda name is The Chimpmuck?" Niall asked. "Shut up Horan. It's a solid name." Tori retorted.

 

We ordered and sat down at one of the long tables. On the walls were various pictures of celebrities, Chicago Cubs players, white Sox players etc. "This is a nice place though."  Niall said  "Yeah. I come here when I want comfort food." I replied.

 

"Chicken salad!" The guy behind the counter called. "Gyro!" "Chicken sandwich!" "Cheese fries!" He continued till we all got our food and started eating. I got a chicken sandwich.  Harry a chicken salad. Louis a fish sandwich. Which ew. I hate fish. I can't eat it; I always think of Dory. Tori got a salad with shrimp in it. Again, just no.

 

"So where are Liam and Zayn?" I asked, dipping my cheese fry in more cheese. I'm extra like that. "There on a date." Louis answered. "It's their anniversary of something. I don't know what." "It's the anniversary of their first kiss." Harry said. "Proper saps they are."  Louis said. Niall snorted. "As if you two are any better." "Oi, shut it Horan". Louis threw a fry at him. Harry shook his head, "to be fair, babe he's right." I giggled.  Niall just smirked, and picked up his gyro and took a bite.  “ahh So the rumors are true.” I said, smirking. “They’ve been true for years” Niall said. I gasped dramatically “What!?” I put my hand on my heart “You mean I don’t have a chance with them?! Tori my dowry is going to go to waste! Ill never find a husband” Niall, Louis and Harry all laughed. Tori rolled her eyes “You watched Easy A one too many times”

“Were not out yet though,” Harry said, when they all finally stopped laughing. “Were in the process of switching management so we can come out” “I see. That sucks. I’m pretty sure all the fans won’t care that your together, they’ll support you” I said. “Yeah, It’s been hard. But it’s worth it because we love each other” Louis said, looking at Harry with all the fond. They kissed.

I gagged. “Nialls right. You guys are sickening. “Niall high fived me. Louis rolled his eyes.  “Shut up both of you. I hate you both” he threw a napkin at us.  “Oi it’s the truth Tommo” Me & Niall giggled.  

We continued eating and talking and laughing. It was so nice to be out with friends. Even if all I could think about was Trevor.

 

Upon finishing our meals, we all paid and left.

 

"What do you want to do now?" Niall asked me. I wanted to hide in my room for the rest of eternity but I felt like Tori wouldn't let that happen. My best friend was rude.  "Let's just walk around, we can go to the lake, it's like a few blocks east." Tori suggested clearly reading the look on my face. Rude. She was rude. And also possibly psychic.

We all walked to the lake. Lake Michigan is one of my favorite things about Chicago.  And the fact that you can see part of the skyline from there just makes it even better. It was a beautiful summer day; I wish I felt happy. I couldn't stop thinking about Trevor. How we had walked this same path when he'd been here. When he was my boyfriend instead of my friend. I just didn't understand him. I also couldn't stop thinking about my grandma. She was getting better every day and it seemed like she was happy being home. When I moved out, she would too, into an assisted living place. Not a nursing home. She kept making it clear that's not what it was.

 

"Penny for your thoughts?" Harry startled me out of my revere. "Just thinking entirely too much about stuff."

"Trevor?" I blushed at the mention of his name. "And my grandma." "How is she

?" We came to stop in front of the lake sitting down on the rocks. "She's getting better, she's happy to be home. Since I'm moving out, she's going to move too." "You're moving out? You didn't tell us! That's great... isn't it? You don't look happy." I half smiled "yeah its good. I need to be on my own. I'm just upset about Trevor is all." "I'm sorry he's an arsehole. " "thanks..." I looked out at the lake, just staring at it made me feel so small. I glanced at Tori and she moved over so she was closer to me and put her arm around me. "It's going to be okay Hazel. I just know it."

 

I really hoped she was right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the love.
> 
> @ATLSPGIRLXO


	9. I'm sorry.

This isn't an update as you might have guessed. I know i haven't updated in a long time. The truth is I'm just stuck. And yes I could just put out the crap I've been attempting to write but that wouldn't be fair to you as a reader and it wouldn't be fair to myself. Life has been challenging as of late and I've had to take a huge step back from alot of things. One being this fic. 


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